Like a virus, it festers in men; the failures of election. Taking over their lives, sucking them dry, only to leave them to die. Like a panacea for the immune, yet deadly to the affected.
The virus floats with the winds, it goes two ways – a blessing and a curse. Only time will render its purpose clear. In whatever way, it ensures its own survival.
I am an infection, not the infected.
I liked 2011.
This wouldn’t sound like TANZEJIE, but I thank God for everything, both for the not-so-pleasant, and for the insanely good times. I guess the bitterness of A’s and stuff just makes everything else sweeter.
Besides being thankful for the usual, such as my family, I thank God for some extremely treasured people in my life that I’ve found in CJ – F.O.P.K.A.Y.S. They’re probably the most colourful bunch I’ve ever met, and hell, I do love them a whole lot. There’s also those that have stuck with me since the good old SJI days; whereby despite my shortcomings and being such a disappointment, they’ve always held me on a safety line, and although I don’t express gratefulness much, I am. Thank you. Of course, 2T04, pieces of puzzles of different pictures jammed into a class – creating a new artform, which is strangely beautiful; these people, are probably the chillest people around, I like.
I set out at the end of 2010 to make 2011 a year of achievements; well I think I did manage a few. Tasting the medal (yeah, self-proclaimed champ nonsense), doing not TOO badly in my studies and well, I didn’t get into too much trouble. Some crazy ass stuff like Rockafella, damn. Overall, 2011 was insane. An insanely new experience altogether (never would I thought that I would ever mug for a whole 18 hours straight). 2011, was a special year.
I have so many people to thank, but I think it’s pretty much impossible to type out every single name or whatever, I doubt people come to this old dusty blog anyway. But if there’s anyone there reading this, thank you for being my friend, in all sincerity. This may sound really corny, but although I’m an ultimate douche suffering from extreme douchebaggery, I do treasure and thank you all for your friendship. I’m not good with words or mushy lalaland things, but yeah, that, thank you.
I don’t know how 2012 is gonna be. I feel rather neutral about it, slightly more inclined on the optimistic side. But being a realist, (wouldn’t say I’m skeptical), I’m prepared to grit my teeth for unknown trials ahead. (Yeah, army.) I’ve only one New Year’s resolution, and that, is just to be a GOODMAN. Trust me, that’s not as easy as it sounds. But I’ll be working on my character, and although I’m at the pits of the pits in my walk with God, I’m pretty sure some way, He’ll work some magic. That’s not saying that by the end of 2012 I’d be having a halo and wings, but probably, my pitch fork would grow slightly more blunt. Well, it’s all part of the plan, isn’t it?
So, I’m gonna end this rather cheery sounding post (as opposed to the previous tasteless and bland ramblings) with one thing; BE A GOODMAN. STARTING 2012.
All forms of relationships you’d have with anyone at any point of time are grounded mainly more on time, space and convenience. Even if there’s care, love and comfort, it is born solely out of context.
The only bonds worth keeping are the bonds that transcend contexts(well, other than familial context). How many of the friendships we keep can be equated without time, space, convenience and context, I wonder.
Memories – the side product of these temporal bonds, should be left as it is; keeping it as it is, is better than trying to live it all over again, it’ll be but a futile effort. At least nostalgia preserves the beauty of it. We must always be moving on.
“Sometimes I feel I don’t want to know anything more about it than I know already.”
“Why not?”
“Because what’s the use of learning that I am one of a long row only–finding out that there is set down in some old book somebody just like me, and to know that I shall only act her part; making me sad, that’s all. The best is not to remember that your nature and your past doings have been just like thousands’ and thousands’, and that your coming life and doings’ll be like thousands’s and thousands’.”
“What, really, then, you don’t want to learn anything?”
“I shouldn’t mind learning why–why the sun do shine on the just and the unjust alike,” she answered, with a slight quaver in her voice. “But that’s what books will not tell me.”
There’s always this guilt within me for whatever I’ve done, be it justified or not. Well, most of the time, I justify my actions with my own warped sense of reasoning; but no excuses can be made. Yet, somehow, I just feel the need to make an apology, some which are way overdue, some I know not what for. I do know, it may not suffice. But it is a haunting resonance within.
I’m a fan of conflicts, unless I find myself in the midst of it. I do not have the courage to confront chaos where I am a participant. To that, I make an apology as well. Albeit these, I don’t regard this as a form of self-pity, yet, it’s frightening that the things I used to be so proud of doing is slowly eating away at me, eroding whatever is left of my value system.
It’s terrifying as well, how, the more I evaluate myself, the more scary I find myself to be. These introspections wear me out. I don’t think for one second that I’ve lost myself, but I just shudder with the thought that I’m starting to become fully what I project myself to others to be. It isn’t a case of evolution anymore, it’s a degeneration of character, a trait which I’ve always held in high regard. It becomes sickening to even think of it; it’s probably the reason why I’d prefer to ignore it, but it relentlessly gnaws away the flesh off my bones.
I concede. I am at a lost to what I can do, or what I should do in the present state. I do know, however, that this is but a phase. I’m still being moulded, slowly but surely. I admit, I’ll need His hand in this; yet the clay is already hardening.
This is me. This is you as well. Cheers to survival instincts.
Heads: You can trust me.
Tails: You can “trust” me.
You can always “trust” me.
I’ve always felt the need to think deeper, to involve myself in lateral thinking. The effort I put into thoughts doesn’t always seem sufficient, but I always try my best to look into fresh thoughts, of “plugging the loopholes.” But these “open-minded thinking” are only from my perspective. I’ve always failed to place others’ thoughts in high regard nor consideration. It seems that it has always been the case that I’ve already subconsciously made up a decision even before consulting others as to which paths I should take; I’ve already closed myself to a wider range of options.
This thought itself isn’t even an individual thought, I was confronted with truth upon my stubbornness to accept even more viable options of others; I’ve always regarded my opinions to matter most to me. But, I don’t think it is unfounded; I believe that my thoughts are rather concise (yes, although actions may differ), and rather well-thought. But what I’ve failed to realise is the strength of collective thinking is so much stronger than individual thought.
There is no doubt regarding the limitations of one mind itself, as we can only go in circles within our own individual minds. We need to widen that circle. That must involve the minds of others. We need more collective thinking, I need more collective thoughts.
There are broadly three categories of people; the Pencil, the Eraser, the Paper.
The Pencil. These are the kinds of people who leave marks. Pencils make impact on others, they make a lead mark. The intensity of writing force determines how deep the impact the individual makes. Remnants of lead will still stay on if the pencil is used hard enough, nothing can really take away the stains. These are the kinds of people others remember most. The pencil is strengthened through sharpening; the trials come to make them stronger, yet, like everything else, the pencil cannot last forever. Albeit being temporal, its stains can always be seen.
The Eraser. They’re the most loving people. Ready to forgive and erase stains, pain and hurt brought upon themselves or others. They forgive the mistakes, they take away the stains. Yet like an eraser, it is an expendable, the more they forgive and forget, the more of themselves are diminished. As they erase, they become smaller, in the eyes of others, becoming push overs. Eventually, they amount to nothing, using themselves as a sacrifice. Yet, sometimes, they can never erase every stain. It is hard to remember these people, but one realizes how much they need erasers when they have stains they’d want to remove badly.
The Paper. Those that are most docile. They’re the followers. Others write on them, the erasers can help them erase. They are the people who are led by others, impacted by others; usually the people who sit on the fence and maintain a status quo. Once the paper has outlived its usefulness, it’ll be crushed and thrown away. Once crushed, it will never go back to what it was before. Even a fold would not cause the paper to be in the same form as it initially was. They are easily torn, never being able to maintain their shape; they are not ones that make up their minds. They prefer to remain in mediocrity. These people are hardly remembered.
But, that said, you need all three kinds of people working in tandem to create a work of art. The art of life.
Encouragements carry no more weight. These words do not hold water no longer. Push me down, shove me into the pits, I need that. I need something to prove. When there’re no doubts against you, there is no worth fighting, you’ve already proven yourself.
I don’t want to prove things to myself, I need to prove things to people. But, I don’t live for people, I live against doubt. I live for the shock factor. Show me your doubts, onlookers, show me your disbelief. See me as weak, only then would I know what I can work towards, that in itself is an impetus to make myself stronger.
I need more opposition. I need to be crippled to feel the joy of running. I need to experience death before I can learn what it is to live.
“When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it.” -Henry Ford
I thought I’ve always done a fine job evaluating myself and finding justifications for what I do and how I act. But this time round, I think I’ve painfully and objectively re-evaluated myself.
I’ve been extremely selfish. I’ll elaborate. I’ve always thought that what I do and how I speak would only affect me. One prominent issue is my out-of-this-world ego. Sure, to me, I think it’s funny cause it can evoke some laughters around my friends. Also, I’ve always thought that pride is what I am and who I am and no one could ever take it away from me. And I’ve always justified pride as what defines me, because I do not deny that it has helped me get up through countless falls and failures I’ve experienced. But pride isn’t inherent, pride is a choice. I’ve always been confused by pride and confidence. I’ve always deemed quiet confidence as false humility, and have always felt that hiding one’s pride is akin to being pretentious. Hence, I make it a point to revel in egoistical manner of speaking, manner of acting(yes, champ pose, what not) to try to “show” others that I’m not hiding anything. It wasn’t right, now that I feel that I’m starting to see a bigger picture.
To my friends, I believe strongly that my friends would accept me even for being such an egomaniacal prick and pain in the neck and I still do. (I sincerely appreciate them with all my heart). But here’s one thing I’ve never thought about: I probably have indirectly put some of my friends in a spot because they’ll probably be asked by others, “Why do you hang out with someone like HIM?” And I don’t wish for that, I really never did. Because of my immaturity and total lack of self-awareness, I’ve probably put my friends in a bad light.
Given, I am not affected by what others would say about my behaviour and serious attitude issues. But if I was an outsider, I know I wouldn’t make friends with myself, let alone associate myself with such a person in any sense at all. Now that I look upon it, I do regret not righting the wrongs and this “I don’t give a damn about what anyone says about me” attitude, has definitely got to go. It is not an issue of security anymore, it is an attitude issue. I’ve never thought basking in pride would grow from a joke to probably genuine hatred that have festered in people that I know or do not know(not that I know of, but I’m pretty sure there’ll be haters on me being so full of myself, I know that I probably would be hating on a guy behaving the way I do), in fact I’ve never thought much about it.
I don’t know if anyone would read this. But to all my friends, I truly am sorry if I have made you want to punch me so hard in the face, I know my behaviour can never be justified, but my intention was only to see you guys have a laugh and even poke fun at me for being such an idiotic prick. I am sorry if I have ever put you in a spot as I’ve mentioned above. It will be hard to change myself in such a short period of time, but bear with me, I will learn to throw this ugly thing, pride, away. I thank all my friends and appreciate each and everyone of you even though I rarely or barely show it because truthfully, I don’t have the courage to do so.
(Oh, and in any case, nothing happened, so it’s not as though there was any occurrence that resulted in this post. I just started thinking about these, I don’t even know why.)
My apologies to everyone. For everything.
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