Rantings.

There’s always this guilt within me for whatever I’ve done, be it justified or not. Well, most of the time, I justify my actions with my own warped sense of reasoning; but no excuses can be made. Yet, somehow, I just feel the need to make an apology, some which are way overdue, some I know not what for. I do know, it may not suffice. But it is a haunting resonance within.

I’m a fan of conflicts, unless I find myself in the midst of it. I do not have the courage to confront chaos where I am a participant. To that, I make an apology as well. Albeit these, I don’t regard this as a form of self-pity, yet, it’s frightening that the things I used to be so proud of doing is slowly eating away at me, eroding whatever is left of my value system.

It’s terrifying as well, how, the more I evaluate myself, the more scary I find myself to be. These introspections wear me out. I don’t think for one second that I’ve lost myself, but I just shudder with the thought that I’m starting to become fully what I project myself to others to be. It isn’t a case of evolution anymore, it’s a degeneration of character, a trait which I’ve always held in high regard. It becomes sickening to even think of it; it’s probably the reason why I’d prefer to ignore it, but it relentlessly gnaws away the flesh off my bones.

I concede. I am at a lost to what I can do, or what I should do in the present state. I do know, however, that this is but a phase. I’m still being moulded, slowly but surely. I admit, I’ll need His hand in this; yet the clay is already hardening.

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~ by Zejie on November 28, 2011.